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Location: Austin, TX, United States

Scholar, Writer, Mother, Dreamer. Editor of Luminarium, an online library for English Literature of the Middle Ages and Renaissance.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Mundane Musings

There is an explanation why I haven't blogged in a week.

For one, I probably overdosed on it last week, so a week off is a good thing - perhaps I can now reach a state of normalcy, writing regularly but not obsessively.

Secondly, I realized that I was actually taking stress over it - feeling I should write even when I didn't particularly feel like it, worrying that perhaps I should censor my thoughts, and feeling vulnerable over how much I was, or was not, exposing. Strange medium! So instead of the blog being what I set it out to be - an outlet - I had given it power to give me stress (something I'm quite good at, I admit).

Thirdly, while I was constantly busy last week, it was with mundane things like banks, post offices, dry cleaners, laundry, grocery store, cleaning, reading, doggies, etc.  It felt like writing about those very common things was not worthwhile - and also, I started feeling inadequate, like my life should be a constant circus or one of those hour-long dramas on TV where interesting things happen to an interesting cast of characters.  Looking at my everyday life, it seemed, I  seemed... boring.

Then I realized, I can't let this happen. I can't let myself get stressed out about what should be a relaxing endeavour - it's just me overanalyzing and overcriticizing myself - I have to learn to be gentle with myself, and give myself the latitude and emotional generosity I give other people. I have such a tendency of not feeling "good enough" that I end up trying too hard to be [insert here: better, stronger, prettier, thinner, more accomplished, more interesting, etc. etc. ad infinitum] so many things, that in the end I cannot help but fail while frustrating all those around me who wish I could just accept myself as I am.

So that is what I'm going to attempt: to be okay with who I am, the way I am. (And immediately as I wrote that, my mind went "You'll fail, for sure!")  Damn that self-defeatist inner monologue of mine! Well, I'll try my best, and in the end that's all that can be asked.

Ha! The image of SNL's "Stuart Smalley" popped into my head. "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me." Hmm, maybe he's got something. Maybe I'll try saying that to the mirror a few times a day. God, I'm sad! LOL!

So, now that we've covered my neuroses, maybe we can move on :) What do you think? Alright, let's.

So, in addition to the mundane chores that are life, last week was fun. I slept like a normal person for a full week (!) and got a lot of work done. I had a great Shakespeare audition on Saturday, and two commercial auditions on Monday. I keep going to the commercial auditions to keep my agent happy, but he keeps sending me to "mom" auditions, and I just don't fit the type - sure, I can play mom, and I like kids, but when they've got a room full of real soccer moms and in walks yours truly (the woman with a resume full of mistresses and vamps), whom would you cast? Exactly. And I'm not bitter - I'll have plenty of time to play "mom" in commercials and in real life a few years from now. I just wish that my agent didn't waste my time with these - and yet, I don't want to say no to him, because a) I want him to keep sending me out on things, and b) because you never know when the same client will be in need of someone my type. Good news is, I have another couple of Shakesauditions lined up, and those I love - like my friend Nader says, "Think of those two minutes as your chance to perform for a captive audience." Smart man.

I also had plenty of chance to hang out with friends last week, and to watch a few movies. The tops was, of course, watching "Monty Python and the Holy Grail", which I hadn't seen since I was 15 - half a lifetime ago. It was ridiculous and funny, and especially interesting in comparison to "Spamalot", which I've now seen twice on Broadway, and am nuts for. Yes, like I was saying to my Corrie, if you have to donate blood and fluids to get the money to go while it's still on Broadway, "DO IT."

My parents loved it - my Dad doesn't stop singing "Finland, Finland, Finland" and my mom made "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" the ring tone on her phone. I would do the same, except my phone doesn't have Real Tone capabilities and T-Mobile, my present carrier, are total fascists in their selection of ringtones. (>.<)

Let's see... what else. Ah, I'd managed to get a steal on curtains for my bedroom on eBay, or AnninaBay as some of us lovingly call it, but they are not exactly as I thought, and I think they look BLECHH!  hung up....  instead of being a gold burnout silk (as advertised), they are a) a poly/silk blend and b) BUTTER YELLOW. I mean, I don't care who you are, even a STRAIGHT GUY would never call that color GOLD. So, now I'm playing with the thought of tea-dying them to make them more of an antique gold tone. Since they are not an all-natural material, the chances of things going horribly wrong are great. I'm thinking about it. Ask me next week.

Wow, way to overuse italics and CAPS in the last paragraph. Mwahahah. Can you tell I'm tired as I'm writing this? ;)

I'm slowly putting Christmas away. Slowly, because I had quite a few decorations, but mostly because I never want Christmas to end. It's always been my favorite holiday - it evokes family time, board game time, Christmas food, a good new book for Xmas, maybe some comfy jammies, ginger bread cookies, snow, and love, most of all love. Having my family here this year was very special, and I miss them so. Putting away Christmas decorations is happening slowly, because it feels like a part of that time is still here, and they'll be far away again when Christmas is over. I can't wait to one day have kids and a family of my own, so they can have Christmas. Children possess magic naturally, they still see it, whereas most adults have lost their magic. Magic is important, and I refuse to relinquish mine. To rewrite Keats's "Beauty is Truth, Truth Beauty", I say "Beauty is Magic, Magic Beauty" as well as "Magic is Truth, Truth Magic." Gosh, listen to me!  Yeah, I love Christmas.

Well, I'm getting up in a few hours for a whole day of things to do. So I'll just close with a little poem I wrote a while back. (Hah! Thought you could escape without the requisite "Poesie, by Yours Truly" - caught you!)

 How we long
      for the childhood Christmas,
The safe,
      warm certainty
Of love in the world,
           Good will to man,
                And a snowy,
                     crisp morning.

(AJ, 12-2003)


Tags: Anniina's Poetry

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Blogger R2K said...

Well at least you are back to it.


January 26, 2006 8:19 AM  
Blogger Anniina said...

Hey Alex,

Thanks, trying :)

January 26, 2006 9:00 AM  

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